6Teen Paintball!
by mikata88
Summary: All-out paintball war erupts in the mall! OOC and some surprising hookups are in store!
1. Chapter 1

6teen Paintball

*Parody of "Last Man Standing"

It all began innocently enough. On that fateful day, no one in the Galleria Mall knew of the dark times that lay ahead. As usual, Jude and Wyatt were late for work at Underground Video. When they arrived, they were mildly surprised to find Wayne, their overweight and surly boss, being attended to by a small, diaper-clad capuchin monkey. The skater dude was the first to comment on this.

"Dude, what's up with the monkey?"

Wayne sighed through the mouthful of colorful chips that the monkey was currently feeding him.

"Oh, you mean Jojo. Funny story, really. You guys remember that monster movie marathon on cable last night? Well, I stayed up late in order to systematically critique the cinematography of their choices. I spent a little bit too long sitting cross-legged, and that, combined with my high cholesterol and all-too sedentary lifestyle led to a minor heart attack. The doctors said that I need to keep Jojo here with me for at least a week until I feel up to working again."

Wyatt was confused.

"But…you don't do anything. You barely work at all."

Wayne turned to his small, hairy friend.

"Jojo."

The monkey then proceeded to slap Wyatt with one of his little paws.

"Ow! That thing still has claws!"

And then in came the first customer of the day. The good-looking young man adjusted his sunglasses and stared at a small Polaroid snapshot.

"Hey. I'm looking for a guy named Wayne."

"Yo."

"You're Wayne? The Wayne that runs Underground Video?"

"Duh."

In a flash, the customer pulled out a low-caliber paintball gun and fired several well-placed shots into Wayne's face. Jojo screeched in terror and performed a mad dance of panic. The customer, however, just laughed in triumph.

"Ha! In your face, #7402!"

Without another word, he then ran for the door like a bat out of Hell. Jude and Wyatt, this whole time, had been too stunned by the speed of the events to say or do anything. A step too late, Jude also pulled out a paintball gun of his own. But he was too late.

"Aww, man! I was too late again!"

"Why are you even carrying that if you're always too late to use it?"

Wayne, meanwhile, just stared at them with a paint-spattered mixture of rage and disbelief.

"Jude…What are you doing carrying weapons in my store?"

Then something inside his head clicked.

"Wait, you're in that Urban Assassin Live Action Gaming League again, aren't you? Then that means…YOU JERKWAD! That hit was meant for you!"

Jude's eyes widened in realization.

"Dude! I can get shot at, too?"

Wyatt slapped a hand over both of his eyes and shook his head in frustration.

"Yes, Jude. That's the point."

While all this was going on, Jojo the monkey climbed up into Wayne's lap and delivered the Polaroid that had dropped in the customer's haste to escape.

"Whatta ya got there, little monkey dude?"

Surprisingly, the picture was indeed of Wayne. His blood pressure rose as he crumpled it up in his hammy fist.

"Again?! Why does this keep happening?!"

"This has happened before?"

"Yes! It's been going on all month; you'd know that if you were actually working the cash like you're supposed to more often! Some jerk keeps signing me up to be a target over and over again. I don't even OWN a paintball gun! You know what? I bet it was that creep Jonesy. He's never been able to let go of the fact that I hate Top M-16s while he freakin' loves it. Well, two can play at that game!"

Wyatt and Jude exchanged worried looks with each other. Wyatt hastily gestured towards the door, not-so-subtly indicating that they needed a quick escape.

"Uhh, coffee break."

"Right behind ya, bro."

With Wyatt and Jude gone, Wayne was left to plot his revenge in semi-silence, broken only by the chattering of Jojo. His free hand stroked Jojo's back fur as though he were a James Bond villain with his clichéd white cat. Suddenly, he nearly leapt out of his chair and pointed at the ugly bracefaced girl Julie from Wonder Taco.

"You there! There's a 50% off coupon in it for you if you help me deliver some payback!

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Midnight on the Firing Range

Hours later, our little group of friends were hanging out at the lemon where Caitlin worked. She was going on and on about her new boyfriend Kenneth, who, as usual, she insisted was "the one", and everyone else was focusing on their Lemon Whirlies, but Jonesy's eye kept wandering over to a dark and mysterious woman in a cloak who stood right behind a tall pillar. The Hispanic boy nudged Wyatt conspiratorially.

"Hey. You think that chick over there digs me? Because she's just been standing there staring at me since we ordered."

Wyatt snorted.

"Jonesy, you think every chick digs you."

"You're right. I'm gonna go talk to her."

He got up and walked over towards her. Almost no sooner had he gotten up when the cool punk-like Nikki began ribbing him.

"And we have rejection in 5, 4, 3-"

SPLATSPLATSPLATSPLAT!!!

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Hey! You get back here!"

Ptchoo! Ptchoo!

Instantly, everybody but Wyatt pulled out a paintball gun and started laying down some covering fire. When he returned, Jonesy was liberally splattered with various colors of paint.

"Well, needless to say, she did not, in fact, dig me."

Wyatt, meanwhile, was completely stunned.

"Why-why are you all carrying paintball guns?! You all know how trigger happy you can get! Jude, Jonesy, you guys I can understand, but Jen? Nikki?!"

Jen hastily tried to explain.

"Caitlin signed us all up. She said it would be a real bonding experience for us. Speaking of which, did you manage to get a good look at your attacker, Jonesy?"

He slid a hand across his face to remove the paint from his eyes.

"No, she had her back to me, but I'd recognize that slobbering sound anywhere. It was Julie!"

Everyone gasped.

"JULIE?"

"Like, as in taco stand Julie?"

'Oh yeah. I honestly didn't think she had it in her."

Jude's eyes widened.

"Oh, DUDE!" he screamed. "I think I know what happened!"

Everyone leaned in close. The blonde skater dude hung his head in a slight modicum of shame.

"Well, me and Wyatt were meaning to tell you, but Wayne's been getting shot at a lot lately and he thinks you might be the dude responsible."

"What? That's insane! Is he still on about the whole Top M-16s thing?"

Wyatt nodded.

"Looks like it."

"So you gonna get him back, dude?"

Jonesy slit his eyes into a look of sheer savagery, yet he kept his voice deceptively calm.

"I don't know, Jude, but there is one thing I can tell you: there will be paint!"

To Be Continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Unlikely Alliances

Business had been booming at the Khaki Barn as of late, yet Kristen and Kirsten were completely disappearing during their lunch breaks. Chrissy was determined to get to the bottom of it. With Nikki left watching the store, she decided that the first place to look would be with Nikki's friends at Underground Video. Maybe then she could also check out whether the rumors were true. The pat-down search she was forced to endure from the strange little capuchin monkey only confirmed her suspicions.

"Wow, they weren't kidding. The guy who runs Underground Video really has gone off the-"

"EXCUSE ME!! POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS ARE TO REMAIN BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE UNTIL CLEARED BY SECURITY!"

Wayne now sat within a massive cubicle of bulletproof glass with…Kristen and Kirsten flanking him on either side, armed with paintball guns?

"Hey!"

Kristen smiled sheepishly at recognizing her boss's voice.

"Heh. Hi, Chrissy."

"So this is where you've been disappearing to during your lunch breaks?"

Kirsten hastily tried to defend them.

"Uh, this totally isn't what it looks like!"

Chrissy grabbed the paintball gun from her and brandished it menacingly. "I'll have you know that Khaki Barn Head Office does not look kindly on moonlighting!"

Wayne hastily tried to rectify the situation.

"Ladies, ladies. They're not working here for money."

"Yeah. Wayne's giving us 10 minutes of movie time for every clean shot we get."

"And they're really good at it, too. They've already earned themselves halfway through The Lady of the Bangles: The Cabal of the Bangle. You've really got a good eye for hiring staff members. Not like me."

Chrissy raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"Oh?"

Wayne sighed.

"Yeah. Jude's still trying to learn my DVD filing system, and he spends, like, every other day with his girlfriend, and now Wyatt's suddenly allergic to Jojo here."

Chrissy's perfectly manicured hand scratched Jojo's head distractedly.

"He's pretty cute."

"So are you."

There then came a sudden, deadly silence as Wayne's careless utterance froze the mood in mid-step. He opened a frontal trap door and leaned his head out towards Chrissy. The two tough bosses found themselves leaning in close for a mutual kiss, but, too late, Wayne noticed a tall and familiar figure standing in the doorway.

"Get down!"

It was Jonesy, and he obviously wasn't happy about the hit that Wayne had put out on him. All along the lengths of his arms and legs were wrapped bandoleers of small, colorful paint balls. Each hand held a specially-fitted repeat action firing paintball gun, and his face was the very picture of cold revenge. He raised the gun in his left hand in a slow and unfeeling motion.

"Say hello to my little friends!"

BUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDA…etc.

When the paint fumes cleared, Chrissy found her two employees face down in puddles of paint and several cracks in Wayne's bulletproof shell. She herself had been transformed into a living Jackson Pollack painting. Her perfect outfit had been ruined. There was murder in her eyes as she turned to Wayne again.

"Do you know where I can buy one of those paintball guns? Nikki wants war? I'll give her Armageddon!"

She whipped out her coral pink cell phone and began dialing.

"And I think I know a few people who also might like to get in on this."

To Be Continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three:

Battle Lines Are Drawn

Jonesy and his friends were still celebrating the revenge hit the next day at the Big Squeeze. All except for Nikki, who was mysteriously absent that day. Suddenly, Jonesy lowered his juice cup, as well as his head.

"There's something I need to tell you guys. During the hit yesterday, I accidentally hit a couple of innocent civilians."

Wyatt removed his mouth from the rim of his coffee cup.

"So what? So the hit doesn't technically count. Anybody we know?"

"Actually…"

At that moment, Nikki showed up, covered head to toe in paint.

"All three of them. All three of them, Jonesy. I can understand maybe sniping Chrissy now and again just to watch her reaction, and I can maybe see getting a two-fer off of Kristen and Kirsten, but all three of the Clones in one hit? How does that even happen?!"

Jude's mouth fell open in disbelief, spilling its contents of processed lemon pulp all over his shirt.

"Dude, you didn't!"

Nikki snorted with contempt.

"He did. They were actually lying in wait for me."

As they spoke, a familiar face appeared in line to order from Caitlin, wearing the same pair of designer sunglasses as he had before.

"Hey, babe."

"Oh, hi, Kenneth!"

Jude instantly recognized him from the Underground hit and drew his paintball gun.

"Caitlin, step away from the dude!"

Knowing he had been found out, Kenneth drew his own gun and aimed it at Caitlin.

"Go ahead, man. You shoot me, I'll shoot her."

Caitlin sniffled.

"Don't do it, Jude. I think he means it!"

"Oh, he means it, Lemon Head."

Everyone turned towards the familiar sneering voice. There, armed with a paintball gun, her long fluffy brown ponytail flapping in the cranked-up AC, stood Tricia, Caitlin's former friend and occasional enemy. Disregarding Tricia completely, only Nikki continued to line up her shot.

"Ugh! I can't get a clean shot at him without hitting Caitlin!"

"Hey, do you mind?! I'm talking over here!"

"Listen to what the lady says, dudes."

Wayne then appeared from behind a nearby pillar, Jojo sitting draped across his shoulders like a mink stole.

"Wayne. Are you sure you're okay with being up and around like this?", Wyatt inquired politely.

"None of your business, dude. Now listen. We're not gonna do anything for now, but let me tell you this: The hit at the Khaki Barn was just a preview of what we and our friends are going to unleash on you. Long story short: it's on like Donkey Kong. And it's not gonna be not on until one of us is the last man standing."

"And that's gonna be one of us."

Trisha spun on her heel and flipped the safety switch on her paintball gun.

"Let's go, boys. I'm sure these losers have some panicking to do."

Caitlin reached out an arm in desperation as Kenneth turned to follow Trisha and Wayne. He did not respond as he turned and walked away, without even so much as a word of goodbye. Jojo shrieked a final animal shriek of savagery, and then the Big Squeeze's lounge area fell silent. In the eerie calm after the battle (if you could call it that), only Jude was left able to say anything.

"Why are the pretty ones always insane?"

By the end of the conflict, there would be no stone unturned, no surface unspattered and no paintball unfired. The Galleria Mall had just been cast into a state of all-out paintball war.

To Be Continued...


	5. Chapter 5

War May Be Hell, But Paint Wars Are Just Downright Messy

Within a week, sales at the Paintball Supply store that Jonesy worked at, as well as at The Penalty Box (which also sold paintball equipment) were displaying record sales, as the teenagers of the mall hastened to arm themselves before their unprotected backs were shot. Little did either retailer know that it wasn't just about paintballs any more.

Jude's brightly-painted skateboard skidded to a halt next the mall fountain. He turned to high-five some of his fellow skating buds, when local boy Stanley came running up to him, clutching a small paper sack. The boy thrust it into Jude's hands, leaving with only these few words:

"Hey, loser, I'm supposed to give this to you."

He then proceeded to run away as though his little tail was on fire. Jude stared at the bag in his hand, as if attempting to comprehend what it was.

"That was kinda weird. Maybe the little mini-dude needs less sugar. Hmm. Wonder what's in he-"

BLAM!

There was a loud blast, and then Jude was covered in sticky orange paint. The tattered remnants of the bag fluttered in the breeze of the air conditioner. As he did with most things, Jude took the Trojan bag incident in stride.

"Time release paint bombs. Nice thinkin', dudes."

None of our heroes was safe. Even Wyatt, who had decided to sit out on the sidelines, was seen as fair game. Later that same day, as he was alphabetizing the new releases at Spin This, Darth, the nerd that nobody really liked, came moseying up to him in a bizarre waist-mounted contraption. A Landspeeder, Wyatt believed it was called, something from one of Darth's beloved Star Wars movies. But what really caught Wyatt's eye was the large paintball gun rack that he'd installed. He dropped his CDs and raised his hands high in a gesture of surrender.

"Gah! Darth, no! I'm not playing! I-I'm not involved in any of this!"

Unheeding of the bystander's words, Darth aimed the paintball gun at Wyatt and flipped off the safety.

"Too late, Sith Lord. I have orders from Jedi Master Wayne. Nobody sits on the sidelines on this one."

And, with that, Darth fired several paintballs at Wyatt with such force that he was thrown back. With his "Jedi mission" completed, Darth returned to being his friendly and likeable self. He leaned over the checkout counter to confer with his fallen adversary.

"By the way, would you happen to know where the Johnathan Coulton CDs are?"

Wyatt's raised hand pointed out from under the counter.

"Sigh. Over in the Comedy section."

"Thanks. And may the Force be with you."

And as the hostilities grew, so did the number of players. It seemed that everyone with even the slightest grudge or the tiniest chip on their shoulder felt that the only way to settle their problems was with faux-gun violence. Even those with no relation to the hostilities at all found themselves drawn in like loose change in a vacuum cleaner. One such person was Chad, the lovely Serena's on-again, off-again boyfriend from Spin This. He emptied another bucket of paint into a giant mixing tub as he spoke to a bound and gagged Christo from Taj Mahome Video.

"Sorry, man, but I'm kinda not believin' your whole apology. What you did to Serena? We both know that wasn't right, man. Not cool."

Christo managed to ungag himself with his tongue.

"B-but…I was just following orders! She was knew what she was in for when she signed up for the game. She was fair game! Fair game, I tell you!"

Silently, Chad walked over to Christo and turned the chair he was tied to on its side, preparing to lift it and turn it upside down yet again. As Chad carried him over to the paint vat, Christo began screaming and begging for mercy.

"No, dude! Not another paint swirlie! Oh sweet Christmas, NOOOOOO!!!"

Nikki was not faring any better. Every day she came to work armed. That day was particularly good day for a battle. While the Clones kissed up to their brain-dead customers, Nikki assembled a large paintball rifle under the counter. Nobody was looking when she slunk off and stood in the middle of the Khaki Barn doorway. Chrissy dropped her manicure pad in shock when her tiny brain finally realized what was going down. But it was too late. Kirsten and Kristen were struck down with the speed and silence of a striking cobra. Customers screamed and fled in terror. The Clones, needless to say, panicked.

"Eek! Ambush! Ambush!"

Chrissy pulled out a gun of her own, but Nikki had already begun slinking between the aisles, attempting to avoid return fire while searching for a new vantage point. A game of wits began, and the Clones were only coming in a close second. Now, with all three armed, Chrissy literally just needed to point the army and shoot.

"Ooh! She's in the baby Tees! Fire!"

The Khaki Barn interior now resembled a poorly-programmed game of Space Invaders. Nikki eventually left, leaving the Clones alone in an empty store, a pair of paint-spattered mannequins their only companions. Kristen was huddled into a sobbing ball and Kirsten was pretty much the same. Chrissy hastily tried to boost the two of them back into their usual overly-peppy selves.

"Well, that was unexpected. Anyway, nice work today, girls. And, Kirsten, nice thinking using those mannequins to try and draw her fire. All together now: Who loves Khaki Barn? We love Khaki Barn! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!"

But there was no change. Being the nearer of the two, Kirsten was the first to feel her boss' wrath.

"What is wrong with you, soldier?!"

"(sob) It-it's my nerves, Chrissy! I don't think I can h-h-handle it anymore! KIRSTEN WANTS OUT! Waaahhhh!!"

"Your nerves?!"

SLAP!

"Now hold on just a minute there, soldier. No striking of the enlisted men. You can march them off a cliff and you can leave them to die on some Godforsaken rock…but, for some reason, you can't slap them."

There, in the doorframe of the Khaki Barn main entrance, stood the grizzled form of Ron the Rent-a-Cop. He polished his badge as he approached the checkout counter. Chrissy was puzzled.

"Mall Security? What're you doing here?"

"I've heard about this paintball wargame going on, and I knew that it was my duty to put a stop to it. Plus I get to teach a lesson to those underachieving maggots."

"Oh, so you're on our side?"

"Negatory, soldier. I'm on the side of the law: the law that prohibits the firing of paintball guns in my mall! Now, we're going to need everyone together to put an end to this. Prepare for the Final Resolution!"

Meanwhile, at the Big Squeeze, Jen was putting the finishing touches on the umpteenth draft of her Peace Treaty. She flourished her pen one final time for good measure as she finished the last sentence.

"There! I finally have a working draft for my paintball peace treaty!"

"Good luck, Jen", said Caitlin from where she was hiding behind the counter.

Jonesy and Nikki, both smiling to beat the bad, appeared just at that exact moment.

"Caitlin, a 21 lemon salute for your conquering war hero."

"Make that two."

Caitlin's perfectly-manicured hand slithered across the countertop to grab their offered money.

"So you guys did well?"

"Yep. I don't know what it is, but something about hiding in the heating ducts and ambushing Wayne while he's using the washroom…just makes me feel like more of a man."

"You think that's fun, then you've gotta try taking out the Clones on their home turf. Totally worth it, every paintball!"

Jen slammed her palms down on the table in frustration.

"Are you two even hearing yourselves? "Home turf?" Sniping people while they're on the toilet? This is just what Wyatt was talking about! I don't care what you say, but this game has clearly gone way too far!"

Caitlin then chose that inopportune moment to peek her head up from behind the Lemon. From the floor above, a paper bag much like the one used against Jude by Stanley dropped down. Jen had only time for one word:

"BOMB!"

In the aftermath of the sticky orange explosion, Jen (as usual) was the one to get the last word in.

"See what I mean?"

Will Jen's peace treaty pull through? How much further can things possibly go? And what's the deal with the Rent-a-Cop?! All this and more, next chapter!

PS: I really love Johnathan Coulton. No disrespect was meant when I had Darth reference him.


	6. Chapter 6

A Cry For Peace

And so it was that Jennifer Masterson, the sanest member of our little group, willingly lay down her arms and desperately pleaded with her fellows for peace. This far, all efforts had failed, but, on that day, she had finally gotten representatives from both sides to sit down and agree to a temporary cessation of the fighting. From her forces, Jonesy and Nikki were attending, not even attempting to hide the fact that they were still glaring at Wayne and Chrissy. Jen coughed officiously before addressing her fellows.

"Ahem! I'm, uh, glad to see that you're all willing to take a time out from all your little battle plans and try to put things aside for a little while."

Wayne interrupted her sharply.

"But let's just get one thing straight: Nothing's gonna be forgotten here, Jonesy. I still haven't forgotten all those hits you put out on me. I'm only agreeing to stop because we've got that Galleria Mall's annual Sidewalk Sale coming up next week, and Invasion of the Psycho Zucchini isn't just going to sell itself!"

"Yeah, and we're, like, sooo behind at the Khaki Barn. All these paintball attacks have been seriously cutting into our sales."

"Tuh! Cry me a river, blondie."

"Nikki!", Jen hissed. "Let's not forget how much a temporary peace treaty would be good for you, too, shall we?"

"Yeah, but don't forget what this ceasefire means for the ol' Jones-meister. My sales at the Point 'n' Shoot have never been higher since this whole mess started. It's like the most profitable job I've ever had. War is awesome!"

"It'll have to end some time, Jonesy. With luck, you'll still have plenty of time before that happens."

"Or until you get fired. Whichever comes first," Nikki snorted.

"Hey!"

"Look, all I'm asking is that we put the paintball war games aside for one day, just one day while we all enjoy the Sidewalk Sale. It only happens once a year, you know. And, besides, I think we could all benefit from one day where people aren't consistently shooting at us. I'm not saying that we just forget the paintball war entirely, just that we put things aside for the length of the Sidewalk Sale and that we just let things cool off for a little while. Everyone agreed? Then hands in the middle."

As everyone put their hands in the middle, one on top of the other, Jonesy and Wayne exchanged knowing glances.

_Oh, you just keep on smiling, pretty boy. You've just sealed your own doom._

_Bring it on, hotshot. This changes nothing._

On the day of the sidewalk sale, everybody in the mall was very busy, and Ron the Rent-a-Cop was passing out tickets like there was no tomorrow. In his own way, one could guess that he was excited too. All the busy shoppers laden with their armloads of discounts and deals almost made Caitlin sick as she poured lemonade after lemonade after lemonade. She should be out there joining the fun. She was one of the best shoppers in the mall, for crying out loud! And, about an hour ago, Trisha had gone by and actually stuck her tongue out at her. The lemon hat had taken a furious pounding after that. If both parties hadn't agreed on that no-hostilities pact, Caitlin would SO be-

"Caitlin. Uh, hey…"

It was Kenneth, her latest boyfriend and the one who had started the whole thing by shooting Wayne. There was an awkward silence between the two as they acknowledged each other's existence. He drew in close, and Caitlin imagined that he was about to kiss her.

"Listen, you didn't hear this from me, but the no-hostilities pact is a lie."

"What?!"

"Yeah, Wayne and Chrissy only pretended to go along with it so they could hit you guys with your pants down. You're not safe here."

He hastily drew away.

"I've said too much. Goodbye, Caitl-AAAAAAHHH!"

SPLATSPLATSPLAT!

Kenneth's body fell prone, right there in the middle of the Big Squeeze's seating area. Far off in the distance, Caitlin could see Darth performing a little victory dance and raising his paint rifle high.

"Yee-ha! Don't mess with the Force, traitor!"

The young Jedi Knight ran like a deer, but Caitlin was not far behind him. As she pursued her would-be quarry, she relayed the following message to all of her friends:

"Everyone, Wayne and Chrissy lied. Meet me at the fountain; we need to get out of the mall, now!"

Darth too was sending a message, his cell phone cleverly tuned in to the Rent-a-Cop's police scanner frequency.

"Operation is thus far successful, Jedi Master Ron. I am leading the target into the ambush zone."

"Excellent work, soldier. I shall alert the troops. This ends here!"

Within minutes, everyone had rendezvoused at the mall's main fountain by the escalators. Jonesy had made sure to "borrow" some of the merchandise from the paintball store before he left. He now carried the highest-caliber repeat-action paintball gun known to man slung over his back like a sword. Jen was the first to speak.

"Alright, we're here. Now where'd he go?"

"I don't know. He managed to outrun me, so, when I stopped to catch my breath, he was gone."

Jude, as usual, came in with one of his hilarious non sequitirs.

"Hey, is my hand on fire?"

Nikki looked at him incredulously.

"Uh, no, Jude. Your hand is, in fact, not on fire."

"Oh. Must be the chocolate-covered jelly beans."

Now everyone was staring at him.

"What? Now seemed like the perfect time for me to whack out on sugar. Anyone else want some? I've still got a whole box left."

"Looking for someone?"

Everyone's eyes now turned to meet those of Darth, who now stood before them unarmed. Jonesy drew his gun, clicking the trigger once for an ominous effect.

"Get ready for some payback, traitor!"

"Oh, I think not, Jonesy. In fact, I'd say that today is the day that my side takes victory."

Nikki snorted.

"Tuh! You and what army, Yoda?"

"This one."

From out of stores and from behind potted plants, from out of the bathrooms and even from out of the fountain itself, the forces of Wayne and Chrissy's army surfaced, prepared for epic battle. Even Ron the Rent-a-Cop showed up, one hand on the steering wheel of his golf cart while the other steered. Without even a word of warning, several wide shots were fired, sending the friends scurrying for cover. The many things seemed to happen at once.

"Ambush!"

"Oh, man! This is it! The end!"

"Shut it, Wyatt! This isn't the end! Here, I'll lay down some covering fire while Jude, you flip over that park bench and make a fort! One way or another, we're making our final stand right here, baby! This fountain is our a la mode!"

"You mean Alamo."

"Whatever, man, I just wanna shoot stuff!"

Who will prevail? Will Wyatt ever man up? And what has become of Kenneth? All this and more will be answered next time!


	7. Chapter 7

Next Chapter: Our Alamo, Their Victory

There they were, surrounded on all sides by enemy forces, an overturned park bench their only cover from total paintball annihilation. In the few spaces they had while their opponents were reloading, Caitlin and Jen managed to find better shelter behind some nearby trashcans. By this time, Darth was able to put on his Landspeeder with the front-mounted paintball gun, which he used with deadly force, albeit not so great accuracy.

On the second floor of the mall, seemingly out of reach of the carnage, the local Goth kids, Marylin, Morgana and Axe, were admiring the free makeup samples from a local kiosk when Axe suddenly fell to the ground, the unfortunate victim of a stray paintball. Marylin gasped.

"Oh man! They got Axe!"

He and Morgana drew their paintball guns as they moved towards the escalator and into the battle.

"Then let's go get 'em back!"

Back with our heroes, the situation wasn't getting any better. In fact, it got worse with every passing minute. For every member of the enemy army that they hit, it seemed like a dozen more rose to take their place. Using a set of store-bought walkie-talkies, they managed to stay in touch, even in the thick of it. Raw sugar coursing through his veins, Jude fired shot after shot like a man possessed. With one final maniac roar, he charged headlong into the enemy, both barrels blazing. Trisha moved her focus from Caitlin when she saw him mow down an entire platoon in one strafing run. She pointed at him and gave the command.

"Over there! He's all alone! Fire!"

Jude went down, but he didn't go down easily. It took several people all shooting him at once and around a half-dozen paint grenades before the sugar-crazed berserker went down. From there, he proceeded to pass out from both the pain and a massive sugar crash. From her vantage point behind the trashcans, Jen radioed the others with her friend's condition.

"Guys, we have a Jude down! Repeat, Jude down!"

All hope was lost, as far as Wyatt was concerned. He turned to Jonesy and clutched at him in desperation.

"That's it. Game over, man, game over!"

"Pull yourself together, dude!"

SLAP! SLAP!

Just as all hope seemed lost, the Goth kids from the floor above began firing into the crowd. Wyatt noticed them through his tears of terror and defeat. Borrowing Jonesy's communicator, he shared the great news with the others.

"Guys, did you see that? I don't know who they are or where they're from, but we've got backup! Actual backup! For us!"

"Oh, yeah! We are still in this, baby!"

Jonesy stood up and cheered himself in triumph, but a bit too soon. After making himself such an exposed target, it was only a matter of time before one of Wayne's paintballs took him out of the running. Wayne, being the kind of guy he was, could not resist adding insult to injury.

"Oh, and by the way, Jonesy: Top M-16s sucks!"

The shock of seeing two of her friends gunned down one after the other made Nikki careless, and she soon joined them. Jen could only fire sporadically, pinned down as she was. But she intended to make her next shot count. Darth was plainly in her sights, and she was pretty sure that he couldn't see her.

"Guys, I have Darth in my sights. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to last at this rate, but I think I can at least take him out."

Wyatt warned her before she tried anything.

"Be careful, Jen. That Speeder thing might look like a toy, but Darth's got that thing fitted with a paintball turret. Don't take him too lightly."

"What? A paintball turret? How could you possibly know that?"

"Trust me, I do. Watch yourself out there, Jen."

For all his firepower, Darth did not see Jen's shot coming. It was mere inches away from him when Julie the Wonder Taco girl leapt in front of him and took the attack head on. Jonesy was screaming.

"Jen! It didn't work! He sees you! RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!"

But it was too late. Even as she ran, Darth was upon her, surprisingly quick and maneuverable in his Landspeeder. He jumped on her and forced her to the ground, holding her down with the weight of his replica as he drew two smaller paintball guns. The young Jedi Knight pointed both of them right into Jen's face. Wyatt covered his eyes and turned away, the sound of Darth's gun blasts ringing in his ears. Looking up, he found himself staring down the barrel of Trisha's gun. He raised his hands in a placating manner, reduced now to unashamed begging.

"T-t-t-Trisha! No! D-don't do it! I'm not a part of it! I'm not armed!"

Wayne's hand stayed Trisha's and lowered the barrel of her gun.

"Save your ammo, sweetcakes. This guy didn't even care enough to get involved."

The Rent-A-Cop rolled up in his golf cart, as slowly as ever, squeezing off a few rounds to deal with any potential survivors.

"Good job, men. We have those no-good teenage maggots on the run. But there's still one left: The Lemon Girl."

Wyatt's eyes widened in horror.

"Caitlin!"

In the midst of the battle, the lithe yet dim-witted blonde had seemingly disappeared. Trisha holstered her gun with an evil smirk.

"Oh goody."

"That's the spirit, soldier. I'm going to go down to my office and seal all the doors so she can't escape. This mall is in lockdown!"

As the many stores had their iron mesh gates remotely lowered by the Rent-A-Cop, Caitlin kept one eye over her shoulder as she raced for the emergency fire door on the top level.

"That was close. But I've gotta keep going. I can't let them catch me."

Truly, she who fought and ran away would live to fight another day. True, she was brave, but Caitlin just wasn't smart enough on her own to come up with a new plan. And Wyatt was smart enough, but even if he could come up with a plan, he'd never actually be able to go through with it.

Wait a minute…

To be Continued…


	8. Chapter 8

And now, a late Christmas present from me to you!

Next Chapter: The Payback

A dark cloud hung over the Big Squeeze for quite some time. Even a week later, the 6 friends were still trapped under their cloud of failure. Caitlin served her lemonades with even less zeal than usual, slopping yellow juice into plastic cups and onto the floor like a malfunctioning robotic sloth. Nikki came to work every day with earplugs to avoid the taunting of the clones. Jen, Wyatt and Jude were the lucky ones. In honor of his team's victory, Wayne had declared Underground Video closed, in favor of a "Party Week". Strangely, no one had seen Jonesy since he'd gotten fired from Point 'n' Shoot for sampling the merchandise.

And the taunting just kept coming. Jude rolled up to his friends at the Lemon on his skateboard.

"Hey, Jude. I've been seeing you around here an awful lot lately."

"Yeah, don't you have to get to work at Underground?"

"Sh'yeah, not likely. Wayne closed down the store and he's havin' this wicked week-long party for kickin' our butts last week. Everybody's there, probably havin' a good laugh at us."

Nikki looked around.

"Say, Jen, where's Jonesy been through all this?"

"He's been at home. We're all pretty worried about him. He's been locked up in his room, sobbing uncontrollably for a whole week. You know what? Screw pacifism!"

The sporty brunette slammed her palms down on the table.

"That party is our only shot at getting everyone taken out in one hit. We just need a battle plan. Who's with me?"

Cricket. Cricket.

"We can't, brah. Even if we had, like, a million dudes, those guys in there are just plain vicious."

"Come on, you guys."

Everyone had begun to leave, their spirits crushed by the failure that hung over them.

"We need to do this for Jonesy!"

Only Wyatt and Caitlin remained at the Lemon, the two with nowhere else to go. Wyatt whispered conspiratorially to his friend.

"Listen, I think Jen's right. That party is the perfect opportunity for payback, but we can't just go rushing in like that. We need a solid, concrete plan, and I have one. But I can't do it alone. You survived the battle, Caitlin. Do you think you can help me?"

"Definitely. So what do we do?"

Darth had left the party, still wearing his Landspeeder. That punch Wayne made had gone right through him, so now it was time for a quick trip to the men's washroom. As he attended to his business at the urinal, he was taken completely by surprise as Wyatt and Kenneth tackled him from behind, literally catching him with his pants down. Unable to reach either his lightsaber or the trigger of his front-mounted paintball gun, Darth went down without much of a fight. Wyatt radioed Caitlin via his walkie-talkie.

"Falcon to Snowman, we have neutralized the target. Phase One is complete. Ready to proceed with Phase Two?"

"Copy that, Falcon. I am moving towards your location. Snowman, over and out."

Back at Underground Video, the party was still in full swing. Jojo the monkey was dancing on the table and serving punch to all the happy revelers. The thrill of victory had completely transversed all the lines of high school hierarchy. Cool Khaki sisters were rubbing elbows with Goths and Star Wars fans drank punch with Greeter Gods. Even with the hunky Albatross and Finch Greeter God standing in front of her, Taco Julie was still on edge.

"Where's Darth? He should have been back from the washrooms by now. Look, I knitted him this victory cape."

It was long, red, and hideous, but Trisha wisely kept her mouth shut. Wayne overheard from his DJ booth, slowing way down on his record-scratching.

"Yeah, this is getting weird. As far as I'm concerned, that little Jedi dude was the hero of the hour. Oh, wait, here he comes."

What appeared to be Darth came in through the store entrance, his upper body bent over to hide his head in the Landspeeder. Julie was the first person he encountered.

"Darth? Are you okay?"

Before anybody could tell what was going on, the person that everybody thought was Darth raised his head, revealing to everyone that it was, in fact, a heavily-armed Wyatt.

*Author's Note: The following paintball-related massacre has been deemed too graphic for words.

Every wall of Underground Video had been liberally plastered in spilled paint. Many lay unconscious, and Jojo the monkey had run away, never to be seen again. Wayne lay thrown against a table, his eyes barely open. The barrel of Wyatt's gun stared right into the space between his eyebrows.

"Hasta la vista, Waynie."

A single shot rang out.

"Falcon to Snowman, the operation is now complete. I am happy to report that there were no survivors."

No sooner had he said those words, then Chrissy got up out of her paint puddle and ran screaming for the door.

"Caitlin, Code Red! Code Red! We have a runner! Chrissy was still conscious and she's headed your way! Take her out!"

"You got it!"

Caitlin leapt out from the supply closet where they had hidden Darth and crashed right into the fleeing Chrissy. Caitlin raised her gun and brandished it threateningly.

"This is for not honoring my 15% off coupon!"

Blam! Blam!

She answered her walkie-talkie as she returned to take care of Darth, who they had bound and gagged with a couple of cheap $5 silk scarves.

"Target neutralized, Falcon, over."

"Glad to hear it. Your new orders are to finish off Darth and then report back to base. Good work, Caitlin. Over and out."

Caitlin turned her attention the shuddering Jedi nerd who sat in the folding chair before her.

"Okay, Darth. It's over now. You can either take it in the back of the head, executioner-style, or right between the eyes, Old Yeller-style. So how do you want it?"

"Executioner-style, please. These are prescription lenses."


	9. Chapter 9

Epilogue:

"Well, we may have all been given 200 hours of community service, we may have all been grounded until Christmas, and we may even have gotten the sale of paintball guns banned in this province, but (sigh) I still feel like we came out ahead."

Jonesy leaned back in his chair, a smug expression of victory on his face. Caitlin tossed an offending lock back from her face.

"Easy for you to say. As if Daddy wasn't mad enough at me for maxing out my credit card."

Jen was worried.

"But what if this isn't the end of this? You know how people like Tricia and Wayne and the Clones are: even if it turns out to be illegal, they're going to want revenge."

Jude's face slumped into a frown and the straw from his Lemon Colada slipped from between his lips.

"Whoa. Way to harsh on my mellow, brah."

Wyatt leaned back and stretched his arms out behind him in a poor imitation of Jonesy.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry. Right after we abducted him that night, Caitlin and I made a few modifications to Darth's Landspeeder."

Jonesy and Wyatt high-fived in triumph.

"Way to go, dude!"

"Yes…way to go indeed."

Everyone turned around to see Darth standing there, his front-mounted paint cannon armed and ready.

"Dude, it's Darth!"

"Crap! And we don't have any weapons!"

Darth sneered at them, making his acne-ridden face look even uglier than usual. Jonesy raised his hands in a placating fashion.

"Dude, you could get court-martialed for this. I really don't think you want to do that."

"Oh, don't I?"

Darth rotated the cannon turret and rested his finger lightly on the trigger button.

"Time for a little Revenge of the Sith!"

BLAM!

In the results of the explosion, everyone uncovered their eyes, wondering at the sudden lack of painty wetness. Darth, on the other hand, had found himself blinded by the very blue paint bomb he had set to destroy them with. He raised a single finger on a single hand in order to make a thoughtful point.

"I'm a big enough person to admit I should have seen that coming."

And, with all the paintshed over and done with for good, they all shared a good laugh.

*As for how and why Caitlin dumped Kenneth, that's for you readers to imagine.


End file.
